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1. |
Beside Myself
03:40
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The way I love you is if I were someone else
And I’m sat here beside myself
God, I can’t keep doing this
So I’m moody
And you’re so liberated
Truly, I’ve learned to take a hit
And there’s no hope in dodging this one:
The “who’s he?
You’ll change your mind, you’ll let him”
Screw me
I guess I don’t know what I want
Who knows better?
Oh, everyone.
So this is why we’re alive:
To procreate, perform, pretend, prescribe
It’s just the way things work, unless you’re noble and contrite
But not because
The way I love you is if I were someone else
And I’m sat here beside myself
God, I can’t keep doing this
Now we’re talking, and I know just what he wants,
So I stop him
This time I’m honest for once,
“Hey, man, this is really not something I do.”
But he won’t quit, just wants my number as “friends”
And I hate it - how I don’t mean to offend him,
Though he’s not the one shaking
And staring at his shoes
So this is why I’m here?
To cushion someone’s ego, pretend it’s unclear:
The warning in his voice,
“Come with me or disappear.”
But the way I love you is if I were someone else
And I'm sat here beside myself
God, I can't keep doing this
I know you see me as if there's something wrong
And it's hard not to play along
So I can't keep doing this
I know you see me as if there's something wrong
And it's hard not to play along
So I can't keep doing this
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2. |
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What’s it like to be back again?
I noticed you’re cold
I heard that you gave her your clothes
How you suffer such deference,
I don’t care to know
There’s no one to scold you, she’s gone
But what would you say, even knowing it’s wrong?
“Goodnight, and are we all right?”
All that I can hope for is something I’ve never known
I prophesize, I despise
The way you’re wasting my time
Everything is wrong in my eyes,
Of course it shows
I prophesize, I despise
The way you go about it
Happy you found love / happy to go without it
And it’s not the same today,
But it’s not so different either,
And it’s been said the truth should make you laugh -
With ours I do it all the time
And I wallow in the way
You fed me to the riptide,
And I said I loved it in the way a martyr loves to die
So explain to me how I’m alive,
And we don’t talk at all these days?
And if I were to call, I’d say:
“Goodnight, and are we all right?”
All that I can hope for is something I’ve never known
I prophesize, I despise
The way you’re wasting my time
Everything is wrong in my eyes,
Of course it shows
I prophesize, I despise
The way you go about it
Happy you found love / happy to go without it
And I know that I’m not great
At making myself known,
At least in the ways that matter -
Some bloodline pattern
And who could ever have me,
Unlucky as they might be?
In a tepid lake, I float face down
And pray my skull to shatter
So explain to me how it’s intact
But I don’t have a brain to sink?
So I don’t say a word, can’t think
Goodnight, and are we all right?
All that I can hope for is something I’ve [e] never known
I prophesize, I despise
The way you’re wasting my time
Everything is wrong in my eyes,
Of course it shows
I prophesize, I despise
The way you go about it
Happy you found love / happy to go without it
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3. |
Easy
02:11
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Watching from the window
Thought there was nothing outside
Worth getting caught up in
Closed my eyes and I tried just to sleep it off
What a stubborn young bride
I breathe in but my lungs don’t fill
Like they used to, untied
So little oxygen
I’ll just take it in stride
Hold onto it while I unlearn my instinct to hide
When did I agree to be one thing forever?
To sever myself from my life and deliver
A happy-go-lucky-go-break-my-wrists forgiver,
Hold you through it all?
I never said I’d be easy
I never thought I’d be fine
I never saw myself healing
I was having an ok time
Doubting anything perfect
Keeping everyone scared
In my own control drama
Feeling naked and unprepared
To let it go
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4. |
To Break My Hands
03:23
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Maybe someday I’ll feel my feet again
And not be such a traitor to my own skin
Shiny bodies and empty promises -
There’s not much for me here, where do I fit in?
“Stay clean,” they say
Even if it kills me someday
Antimatter dripping down my walls
Helps me hear the music when the curtain falls
If you can’t tell me where the bullet lands,
Give me one good reason not to break my hands
“Stay clean,” they say
Even if it kills me someday
Small pink post-its in a box somewhere
Remnants of the boys who preferred straighter hair
She took a photo but I didn’t look
If you knew she wouldn’t care, why’d you read the goddamn book?
She drove away
Breathless, I stay
And I'll be ok
Even if it kills me someday
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5. |
Dissolution (Interlude)
01:21
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Unfamiliar men in big black cars
The residue of who you are
Dissolves in the grime of your petty joys
Picking fights with all of the boys
Well, brace for impact now
Said they think you're strange
How'd the earth feel when you willed yourself to change?
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6. |
Beg
03:52
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Wishing there were someone else you could be
Never really seems to help,
Why should we try if all the broken pieces cause us pain?
‘Cause all the love I’ve ever known has shown me
Time won’t heal the ones who grow,
And only faking constant satisfaction keeps me sane
Well, as it happens, I’ve been lying, I’ve been sold
Misbehaving rarely feels good, so I’m told
But I’m doing it and you want more
I’m impossible, well you’re a bore
Who knows what I have or why I’m sore?
Where’s the love I crave.
And who’s it for?
Gnawing at the moldy wood, “please let me in,”
Are your intentions good?
My greatest sin is that I won’t forgive you either way
Beg, I don’t care what you say
And as it happens, I’ve been lying, I’ve been sold
Misbehaving rarely feels good so I’m told
But I’m doing it and you want more
I’m impossible, well you’re a bore
Who knows what I have or why I'm sore?
Where’s the love I crave,
And who’s it for?
Beg
I don’t care what you say
Beg
I’ll be lying either way
Beg
I don’t care what you say
Beg
Happy dying
I’ll tear you apart
And you’ll want more
I’m impossible, well you’re a bore
Drowning what I have
And now I’m sure
There’ll be nothing left
So what’s it for?
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7. |
Catatonic
04:20
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Time is more elastic than I bargained for
Opening my dry eyes
I’m catatonic with wanting more,
Remembering the time
I threw up on your bathroom floor,
Ignoring all the signs
And if there’s a punishment I adore,
It’s making myself cry,
It’s watching all my love die
My craving makes me dizzy, so I think
Tonight
I’ll consider splitting my lip right beside the bathroom sink,
I’ll swallow all my sorrys,
Am I on the brink?
I [realize I’ll know nothing when I’m grown
And sorrow tastes much sweeter on my own
And there’s a swelling in solitude
That makes me wonder who I am
My mourning sickness is misconstrued
But could you try to understand?
If there’s one thing I’d hate to do,
It’s build a gurney in the sand,
It’s feign idolatry seals the wound,
It’s tell a story I can’t stand
I’ll suffer by my own hand
And my craving makes me dizzy, so I think
Tonight
I’ll consider splitting my lip right beside the bathroom sink
I’ll swallow all my sorrys,
Am I on the brink?
I realize I’ll know nothing when I’m grown
And sorrow tastes much sweeter
Don’t you know I hate everyone?
Can you remind me of your name?
I stitch my wounds, though I’m not numb
Everything feels the same
And how I love declaring blame
I don’t know what I’m hoping for
No one leads the way
I’m catatonic, and I want more
I wish you’d go away
I’ll hurt myself on stage
And I’ll get better every day
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8. |
Poet
04:21
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Hey, I know it’s late and it’s super inconvenient ‘cause
My boundaries were hard on you, your time has never cost so much
And you’ve been busy with your gaslight, wishing I were dead
But I’ll just be a minute
I’m so glad you found out why you make music ‘cause you seemed unsure
And with me gone it seems unlikely you’ll ever have to endure
Anybody challenging your ego or your mouth
And I think that’s just brilliant
You’re so resilient
Yeah, I got your message
And all it’s done is prove that I don’t need
To be vindictive, baby - you’ve got that down
The whine heard 'round the world
You keep us educated with your reveals,
Your master plan unfurled
I wonder,
Who will feed it?
Can you cheat it,
That grave you’ve dug yourself?
I’ve got no shovel, notice
You’re the poet
It’s in such messes you dwell
My bad, was that too much? See I’m trying to get the story straight
It sounded like you saying there was no room to negotiate
You taking what I built you and assuming all control -
I guess I’ll get my ears checked
What about when
You swore that we were equals, though I couldn’t ever understand
What it takes to be an artist, how to cope with such demand -
The force of your emotions -
Yes, it really was so big of you to show that aspect
Blame and defect
Just know I’m not vindictive, baby - you’ve got that down
The whine heard 'round the world
You keep us educated with your reveals,
Your master plan unfurled
I wonder,
Who will feed it?
Can you cheat it,
That grave you’ve dug yourself?
I’ve got no shovel, notice
You’re the poet
It's in such messes you dwell
I know that it takes two to have such fun as this
I shouldn’t go around just calling you a narcissist
Without talk of your abusive tryst, oh no
But I’m not vindictive, baby - you’ve got that down
The whine heard 'round the world
Just keep us educated on what you steal,
Your master plan unfurled
I’m not vindictive, baby - you’ve got that down
The whine heard 'round the world
You keep us educated with your reveals
Your master plan unfurled
I’ve got no shovel, notice
You’re the poet
So bless your heart and stay well
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9. |
Barely
03:46
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Breathe in
A long sleeve, faded white
Breathe out
A jump scare, unholy night
Dive in
Missing teeth and old taboos
Now sink
Fantasizing leaves a bruise
And I’m scared
Of everything I’ll never know
And I can’t
Ever just absorb the blow
I think back:
The thrill of trying something new
So small
I thought I could lean into you, but
I’m barely breathing as it is
An unrepentant narcissist
(Tell me what I am tell me what I am)
I know
Eyes closed
Are you seeing what I see?
A dirt road
Leading you away from me
I’ll wait
Though I’m too proud to ever beg,
“Pick me,
Then let me live inside your head.”
Cause I’m barely breathing as it is
Some solipsistic masochist
(Tell me what I am tell me what I am)
I know
Tell me what I am and what I’m not
Blood is running thin and I forgot
How to cut the suture, how to rot
I need to know
Lie down
In the snow where no one sees
A silk gown
Draped across an effigy
Unburned
Much too sour, brutal, beat
And I learned
There’s more than I care to eat
Come find me bloodied as I am
There’s something sacred in the plan
I know
(Tell me what I am and what I’m not
I need to know)
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10. |
Mutilation Simple
03:57
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Can’t you tell that I hate the way you’re looking at me?
Like I’m something to take a bite of,
Just wait and see how I taste
I don’t go down easy
Biting my tongue ‘til it bleeds feels like a better option
Than to carve out my heart,
Some fucked cadaver auction
What’s it worth that you’re nothing to me?
So don’t tell me I’ll come around
I’m drowning on solid ground
You know as well as I that we’re nothing now
So tell me a lie about me, pretend I’m someone different
Who makes plans they believe in
And takes care of themself
Is it mean if I say I’m sorry?
Oh, and I can’t take the taste of all this poisoned honey
As it sticks to my skin,
Feels like I’m somebody else
Who can deal when I feel too happy
So don’t tell me I’ll come around
I’m drowning on solid ground
You know as well as I that we’re nothing now
I’m burning through bits of my lungs,
Gnawing my cheeks ‘til there’s blood running down from my gums
I’m just the picture of health
Don’t you find mutilation simple?
So don’t tell me I’ll come around
I’m drowning on solid ground
You know as well as I that we’re nothing now
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11. |
Of Course It Couldn't Be
03:15
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Everyone’s gone now, and they said my greatest sin
Was to let the growth ensconce the bone, and then
When the levees broke, I lived to watch my skin
Fuse, mask the fracture, play pretend
And if dreams come true
Then that luck bleeds into the nightmares too
And the ones you want to know you
Are busy doing other things
They’ll burn right through
Of course it couldn't be, of course it couldn't be
Of course it couldn't be, of course it couldn't be, of course
So I drowned them out and found that I could hear
Hatred undeserved - a fleshy thrum in my left ear
I could fantasize, believe that I’ll endear
You to me, catch you, crush you near
And if I’m unwell,
I might return to the place I fell
And finally serve my sentence:
Indulge the clammy certainty
Of private hell
Of course it couldn't be, of course it couldn't be
You seemed so sure of me, you seemed so sure of me, you seemed so sure of me
Of course it couldn't be, of course it couldn't be
Of course it couldn't be, of course it couldn't be, of course
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12. |
Wetlands
03:50
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Take me to the wetlands so I won’t feel ill
If I promise not to cry, would you spare me the positions I can’t fill?
When I dream about you, you’re too real
And I wake myself in solitude, stifling the ways I shouldn’t feel
Like you’re not something I’ll outrun
I spend my time convinced that I’m a child attached to everyone
Who leaves and doesn’t suffocate, undone
In little bouts of clarity, I recognize that it was fun
And I know you don’t owe me
Kiss me in the wetlands, and I’ll learn to bite my tongue
In the words of nonbelievers, can’t deceive her if the sirens haven’t sung
I’m projecting, but I mean it just the same
I spent days here overthinking if you meant it when you dreamt about my name
Like you’re not something I’ll outrun
I spend my time convinced that I’m a child attached to everyone
Who leaves and doesn’t dry out in the sun
I bludgeon my sincerity, I recognize that it was fun
And I know you don’t owe me
Drown me in the wetlands, and you’ll rise again to find
That I never sought much solace outside of my own delusional mind
Where I birth things you’ll never see
These obsessions that need feeding, only breeding ‘cause without them,
Am I me?
Feel like you’re not something I’ll outrun
I spend my time convinced that I’m a child attached to everyone
Who leaves and doesn’t love me when it’s done
And I don’t need your charity - I recognize that it was fun
And I know you don’t owe me
Even if that’s what I want
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Sierra Scott New York, New York
O, the of it all!
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